The formula: How to make it (without making anything much)

Mountains & Molehills
By the ever-helpful Bug

How to make it (without making anything much)

The third generation of Pakistani rock/ pop bands have hit the scene. The Fourth is bubbling just under. While full albums from most of these bands are still awaited, most have already hit it big in their own right usually on the back of single songs and videos or just having a website on the net. Most of all they have hit it big because they have followed the formula.

For those who have not figured it out as yet, here is the formula for anyone who wants to make it big: distilled from the failures of the first generation of rock n pop in Pakistan and the failings cum successes of the second generation:

When singing, do a little bit of AaaaaAaaa’s and a few Hauooooo’s too. Perhaps if you can manage it add a few Yaiii’s. Having a good looking singer will help with sales. In case you and your bandmembers are unfortunate looking, make like you are a serious band and add in a better looking bassist who may try to look sultry often-times.

Call Band some single obscure Urdu word name: Jal, Roxen or just call it Call. Since Call is already taken, you can call your band Band. Or since that is already taken, call the band ‘Taken.’ As a matter of fact any word will do, the explanation for the name can be made up after the fact. In case, of course, you are a more serious band then you can call yourself Mekaal Hassan Band. In case you are a hip band or bandmember, make it a point to misspell your name (Xulfi, Rox-only it is pronounced Roz-en)

If you can afford it, add model to video or having song in an Indian movie soundtrack would be good. Next time Mahesh Bhatt hits Pakistan (you just know he soon will (again)) meet at Dinner. Pass cassette. He will say yes. If not him, there is always Pooja.

Cultivate critics. Given that most newspapers have taken to doing Daily Entertainment pages and there isn’t much to write about anyways and they will cover absolutely anyone. Do therefore get covered. In several papers. Wear sunglasses. Perhaps have makeover done by Nabila/ Athar Shahzad/ Depilex or whoever is in price range or simply in range.

When shooting video, singer should stretch out arms, either like an Eagle or towards the camera beckoning it to come hither.

Heavy facial hair is out. A Beard is so last generation. Goatees are in, but heading out. Clean shaven will do well. Long hair is really not where it’s at these days (poor Shahzad Hameed). In case you are somewhat elderly, go slaphead.

If you presume to be master musicians, do not smile in video. It will make you look non-serious. In case you are a super musician, make it a point to look at anywhere but at the camera. Leave the camera charming to singer: you are above paying attention to audience. Look at drummer or bassist in case you simply have to smile.

You do not have to often sit and bitch other musicians out. That was so last generation. Now you can schmooze with them and bitch VJs and critics out. Take turns however to hang with latest VJ s. Or the timeless (timeful?) Anoushey. Tolerate Mani.

Do not be friends with Ali Noor. He will make you lazy. And fat. Ditto Tanseer Dar and Asad Ahmad of Karavan. Avoid. Do be friends with Xulfi, he will produce your album/ make your video/ and/or join your band. Do not be friends with Ali Azmat. He will make you play on/ or write his album. Do not be friends with Mekaal, he will make you feel inferior. Do be friends with Roxen, they will make you feel superior. Do be friends with Annie. Why wouldn’t you? No point in being friends with Ali Zafar: you will never a piece of all those corporate contracts even by being his friend.

It does not much matter if you are fat or ugly or have a mole anymore. As long as you are on TV – and they will take on anyone these days – people will take you seriously and you will sell. Having ugly band members also helps.

Use words like Dil, Mann, Jigar, Tann, Dhunn, often in songs. If pop punkish use words Yaara, Haar, Jeet, Rona, Rota Dil, Roti Ankhain, and other organs, and other variations of such ideas and thoughts. Yet do not be overtly political even when the streets be burning.

Be friends socially with Ali Azmat and Mr. Yousuf Salahuddin. I don’t know if it helps, but all the ones who made it big seem to be friends with these two.

Before anything else, have a website. You can start gathering fans even before you make music and these fans will populate your site forum defending your band to the death: ‘If my favorite band made any music, they would certainly be better than … etc.’ Fans therefrom will propagate through the net and spread the word for the band at all other Band forums.

Not be Abrar. There can only be one Abrar. Do not dance. There can only be one Haroon. Not be Mekaal Hassan. One is enough.

Have a family member manage you. They may be incompetent but you will not have to pay them and they will defend you to the end even when you steal riffs or money from other band members. Try not to get family members to make your videos. They might outdo themselves with the first videos but thereafter getting them to finish subsequent projects will just be impossible.

Grab on to a cause. Education was taken by Shahzad Roy. Health by Abrar and Jawad. Jawad has a lot of time, so he has taken over several causes. Or you can say bugger it all, and just adopt a few corporations. Cola drinks and mobile companies are particularly to be courted.

Accessorize. Wrap-around shades will make you popular. Wristbands are making a comeback too.

Do not be relevant. If you are ever going to make a point or feel like you are making a point (Hungami Halaat), chicken out before the money shot.

Do do the morning shows. Bring acoustic guitar along and guitarist along. You will be expected to sing for the hostess.

If female, make sure you are the one for the year. There can only be one each year. Wear tight T-shirt. You do not have to sing in key or to have actual great songs: just make sure you sing bits in English as well. And remember, tight T-shirt. Single word monickers will help.

Do thank the Bug in your liner notes. Or else.

(Published in Sunday Magazine: Daily Times. 336th Issue)